Since this year aka unemployment began, I've had my ups and downs. The days when I'm excited to look for a job and the days when I feel depressed and would rather rot in a hole instead. I run through my head a thousand times a day my emergency plan if six months go by, my unemployment benefits end and I still have no job. When I'm not doing that, I'm choosing to trust in God and believe that He's going to help me find me a job before then...and that it's okay if He doesn't because everything always works out in the end for our good and His glory. I've spent wonderful mornings enjoying being home by myself in peace, and boring nights in the dark looking for a job on Indeed, and vice versa. When I'm not looking for a job I'm playing with my cat or cleaning the entire house or taking a trip to the ocean to go cry or something or hanging out with my friends pretending I'm not scared to death for my future. Some days I sleep in, some nights I stay up way too late. My sleeping schedule is messed up and I seem to always be sitting alone in the quiet in some room of the house. I've felt sad and lonely, and happy and content. Some days I cry over it. Some days I laugh.
Overall I'd say I'm doing pretty fine, though it's pretty obvious I am in a rut. But if something about this rut does not change soon, I am going to lose my freaking marbles.
I am already feeling a little crazy for sure, but the crazy stems as a result from all of my current and ongoing thoughts:
- I am just dying to do something that terrifies me.
- I want to get out of this town, though I love being home.
- I love home so much lately that I could actually work at home.
- I need to do or make or start or be something I can be proud of.
- I need to find something I've never found before.
- I want to use my muscles and stretch my character.
- I want projects! I need projects in my life!
- I want to be someone I've never been before.
- I want to survive on less and simplify.
- I need to be on a routine that works and kicks my ass everyday.
- I am afraid no one will think I have the skills when I go to try something new.
- I need a few tangible goals to get me out of this rut.
- I want to inspire and care for and love people.
- I want to make my life an extraordinary story people will still talk about when I die.
- I want to make my family proud in a way they haven't been yet.
- I don't need to be rich, I just want to work hard in a job that my conscience can support, where I can have fun and basically be able to support myself and a cat.
- I honestly don't think life should be as hard as this generation/society/day and age makes it out to be.
- The next bit of work I do, I want to enjoy (and not feel like I'm getting fired every day of my life).
When I lost my job, every ounce of me wanted to use this time to start painting, start writing, start baking, start making and start doing everything I could that counted as an art and perfect those skills, whether for fun or for profit. The only reason I have not yet was because I didn't want to be your stereotypical bum on unemployment who wasn't sticking entirely committed to finding a job. Yet almost two months into unemployment, I am becoming agitated with my lack of luck with finding somewhere else to work, and equally agitated that I won't give myself some leeway to do at least some of the things I love to do.
I'm 26 years old. The silence is starting to get to me, as is the lack of creativity in my life. My last job I didn't really need to use my brain much, since waxing is pretty much just a four-step concept on repeat and now I'm taking it out on myself because I'm unemployed.
It stops today.
I'm looking into starting a creative business. Wish me luck y'all!